Better Than The Machine’s newest video, “The Sex Talk,” takes on the age old question, “Where do babies come from?” It turns out I was way off. Waaaay off.

“The Sex Talk” was directed and edited by Ballard C. Boyd. It was written by Better Than The Machine and Will Nunziata. It was originally conceived and written for our seventh stage revue, It’s Not Me. It’s You., which was our first revue in which Will directed and co-wrote material.

“Seesaw,” as it is known in our live shows (I’ll get back to that), was a short “blackout” sketch in a show of longer sketches. Blackouts basically pop into the show between longer sketches, just for a quick joke or two, then the lights blackout. As you can see, their name is especially imaginative. We have several blackout sketches throughout our revues to keep the show’s pace changing, so that the audience doesn’t know what to expect next (too many blackouts in a row might lead to epileptic seizures… the audience wouldn’t see that coming, now would they? Hmmn.). In my experience, blackouts seem to require more forethought than longer stage sketches for us, because they don’t have a normal number of beats (thus you have to get more stuff out in less time), and also we’re still not very good improvisers (“Hello, I am a duck, and this is my brother Ted. Ted the duck. We are seeing Avatar. Quack!”). Which is okay, because we’re not an improv troupe. But we do use improvisation to flesh out our stage sketches, once they’re beated out, thanks to the tutelage of Coach Nunziata.

In the stage version, Carlos and Matt went up and down on an imaginary seesaw as Matt told Carlos where babies came from, thus giving “The Sex Talk” it’s originally shorthand stage name “Seesaw.” We have one or two word descriptions of every live sketch that only make sense if you’ve been around since the creation of that sketch. For instance, we have a sketch we call “Videogames,” which is about a guy and his girlfriend and his relationship changing with his other friends as a result of having a girlfriend. There are people playing videogames in the sketch, but the videogames really aren’t the focus. It makes sense. To us, at least. It can be hard on new stage wizards and lightning and thunder gods and techies.

It’s useful to have these short names because no one ever remembers the setlist, even when we’ve been doing a show for months, and even when the setlist has been hung in 15 different places backstage. So Paul will run back, pulling his clothes of and ask, “What’re we doing next?!” and we will say, “Cat Molestation!” And he’ll say, “I know that, but I mean what’s the next sketch?” And so on.

Paul is also in the stage version of this sketch as the kid’s dad, but Carlos, Christina, Matt and Ballard went out to Jersey to shoot this and at least one other video, and meanwhile Paul had to work that weekend if he ever wanted to see his puppy alive again. Christina was a better pointer to “inside” anyway. The kid in this video version that replaced Carlos from the stage version is also named Carlos. I think he’s Carlos’ nephew. I’m not sure of his last name, because Carlos hasn’t told me what it was, so I just called him L’il Carlos in the credits. I don’t know this for sure, but I’m guessing Ballard shot Matt talking about innocuous things with Li’l Carlos, got some 2-shot footage and some close ups of the li’l guy, then released Li’l Carlos to go about his li’l life, in a place where he could not hear what Matt was saying in his close up. I apologize if I’ve ruined the magic of movies for you.

Okay, fine. All right. I’ll take a story from the vault for you because I can see this has clearly got you down. Paul and Matt once shot a video where they made a little girl, who had to be about the same age as Li’l Carlos, say, “you’re a fucking myth!” and her mom was watching the whole thing from 6 inches off of camera. So there you go, I hope I’ve restored the magic of movies for you. Or at least your faith in Better Than The Machine’s ability to permanently destroy one child’s innocence at a time.

Back to “The Sex Talk.” I like Li’l Carlos, he looked very concerned. I don’t know if he was easier to work with than all the kids Matt and Paul have worked with over the years, but I figure since his lines were cut out from the stage version, he was probably easy to shoot and send home (I also think it was shot in front of his home, which made this even easier). As for Matt, I think what he says in this sketch always gets dirtier and dirtier on stage. Which, you know, that’s cool if you’re into that sort of thing. And let me tell you, people on the Internet sure are into that sort of thing. Internet people like three things: dirty adult language, dirty porn, and Matt Gallo. I anticipate a major hit.

The first time I watched this, I was not totally keen on how it was shot. I did not like that Matt delivered his last line away from the camera, and I wanted a close up of Christina at the end. I thought it needed an extra beat, probably because I’m used to Big Carlos saying something in the stage version. Then I watched it again the next day, and I decided that, actually, I really like it. It somehow seems more real the way it’s shot than it would be with more cuts and stagey cheating of where and how people were faced. That’s why they pay Ballard the big bucks: he just knows these things.

I’m hoping to make it out there to NYC soon and shoot some stuff and perform on stage. I’ve been keeping my fingers crossed in hopes that doing so will help me get healthy enough to go… which made typing this blog entry a real bhijtgc hb . Dammit, it’s very hard to do, see?!

–Reid.

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Now playing: Alicia Keys – Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down
via FoxyTunes

Better Than The Machine’s new Presidents’ Day video makes you decide if you’re on Team George or Team Abe in a debate/smackdown that pays tribute to our country’s forefathers.

The group came up with some ideas about Presidents’ Day sketches. Carlos wrote two different scripts, both of which were really funny. Ballard directed and edited the sketch with a neato keen new software toy that turned his handcam pans into smooth, smooth tracking shots. Paul and Carlos (the world’s shortest Lincoln) are totally on top of this thing–I think they’re both particularly good in this video. Of course, we mustn’t forget the second Matt Gallo cameo in as many weeks. This time, with a handle bar mustache, to boot! You just can’t beat Matt’s quick entrance into the sketch, only to be shot down immediately by Paul. You can’t. Trust me.

What did I have to do with any of this? Nothing. Nada. I just posted the video online. But–and I say this in all honesty–this has easily become one of my favorite BTTM sketches, even with the flagrant misuse of terms like “carpetbagger” and debate lingo. That’s okay, though. I’m a huge, huge Presidential history nerd and this video really hits the spot. Not only that, but I really, really like the way this was shot, with the constant smooth movement of the camera (so very smooth). It looks really sharp.

I think that very last shot with their hats flying off just as Carlos and Paul start going at each other is just brilliant. Speaking of which, my dad bought me that tricorn in colonial Williamsburg about 15 years ago. It’s served us well, so far in two very different sketches. Thanks Dad!

I also need to give Christina credit for producing her first sketch. She got people together, she tracked down costumes and she prodded some people who needed prodding. Nice work, CR.

All right, enough gushing. The crew just did a damn fine job with this one. Damn fine.

–Reid.

P.S. Damn fine!

It’s Valentine’s Day in Better Than The Machine’s latest video “Twilight First Date.” Interspecies human/vampire dating may sound titillating, but is this a case of eternal love gone wrong? Judge for yourself!

“Twilight First Date” was directed and edited by Ballard. He really deserves special accolades for editing during a trip to see his girlfriend and during the Super Bowl. Uproarious applause for Ballard and just as much applause for, and a big thanks from BTTM for letting us borrow him, to Kelsey.

This sketch is a big swish for teamwork. Christina and I worked on various drafts, Ballard worked on a draft, Carlos and Christina brought their A game performances, Matt Gallo played his cameo to the snarkiest degree, and some significant others (Alex and Katla) sat in the background and did some truly convincing background acting–I believed that they were a whole crowd. I’m really impressed by Ballard’s ability to make a two person conversation interesting to watch. I used to be afraid of directing those, I think.

I will admit that I saw the first Twilight movie (Twilight) under some duress. While it wasn’t exactly my cup of tea, I don’t seem to have either the love-it or hate-it attitude most people seem to have towards it. What I’m more interested in is the current vampire trend–it’s just odd. I don’t understand where it came from, or how it came about. I think this obsession that a lot of girls and women have with the undead has got to mean something… although, for the life of me, I can’t figure out what it is. At any rate, this sketch was poking fun at the current vampire craze, rather than at Twilight or any other specific franchise or story.

The sketch actually started as a Valentine’s Day sketch with monsters, rather than a monster sketch that we’re tossing around for Valentine’s Day. And as much as I’m weirded out by (and glad we made fun of) the vampire fad, I originally pitched zombies. Other, more observant people in the group pointed out that vampires would be better. That’s why I’m glad I’m in this group, where everybody really makes one another’s ideas much, much better in a very constructive way.

I also really like the concept of vampire dentists and vampire accounts and vampire tax lawyers. They’ve got to live for an eternity unless someone kills them, so I’ve got to imagine they really must love those jobs. I wonder if there are any vampires who hold more exciting jobs. I wonder if there are any vampire astronauts or vampire rock ‘n roll stars. Weird.

–Reid.

Two Better Than The Machine videos for the price of… two videos! What a steal! I missed posting and analyzing last week’s video here in my blog so I’ll show it off with this week’s video! Hooray!

Last week’s video, “Prank Calls,” shows off Matt Gallo’s amazing crank calling skills. We even managed to get a microphone into the room of the person he called! Wowzers!

In this week’s video, “A Videophone Hello,” I got to phone in my performance. Videophone it in, that is! Hiyo!

And if you didn’t like that logline, well then, here’s another one just for you: In this week’s video, “A Videophone Hello,” I get to experience instantaneous modern communication without the use of my semaphore flags! What a time to be alive!

Both videos were directed and edited by Ballard C. Boyd.

The interstitial videos continued unabated last week and on into this week, which caused some confusion, as the they do, rather explicitly, advertise new videos in February and it is now, scientifically speaking, February. To anyone who is confused: we didn’t say when in February we’d switch over from the sketch comedy videos that advertise new sketch comedy videos in February to February’s new sketch comedy videos that do not advertise new videos in February. Thus, scientifically speaking, we won’t be in breach of contract for at least another couple of weeks. Phew!

These two videos were shot at the beginning of a single Better Than The Machine meeting at Pace. I wanted Paul and Matt to be in them, since we’d released Carlos and Christina videos the two previous weeks. I especially wanted Paul to be in something so that people would be reminded of his existance, which is good to remind people of every know and again. When “Prank Calls” was being shot, they shut off the video feed with me, so I don’t know what they were doing out there.

I do know, however, that both Ballard and I had ideas for me appearing in a video on the computer screen (which is how I attend meetings). My idea was more complicated and homoerotic, so we did Ballard’s idea–which is to say we did Ballard’s idea because it was easier, not because it was less homoerotic. All of us have now been in these interstitials. On the Xbox, I think we’d get a medal for that. Or something. I don’t have an Xbox.

Here is an interesting fact: if you watch “Prank Calls” on YouTube.com, there’s a big ad covering me up for most of the video. I’m just doing my part for the team. Remember that, the team.

The big reason for making these interstitials was that they were quick and easy, and could be thrown together while we hopefully buckled down and worked harder on other videos. It’s been an interesting experiment. There has been a lot of writing, scheduling and some shooting, but I feel like without, at the very least, a second editor available in NYC (to say nothing of another full time director), it puts a tremendous strain on Ballard. It was hard for Paul and I when the two of us were directing and editing videos full time, and I am thus both very impressed and very thankful for Ballard’s tenacity.

We may go back to full videos next week, but I’m not making any promises! There is still another unreleased interstitial with Carlos and Christina, and we could probably make more if we wanted to, so don’t push us! We’ll do it! Maybe!

–Reid.

P.S. I have found a staggering number of words missing from Firefox’s dictionary, the latest of which is “analyses,” the plural form of “analysis.” It’s true.

One of the most important issues that faces modern America is giving the same rights, opportunities and benefits to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered citizens that most of us take for granted. On this issue, we are not only the purveyors of extremely outdated dogma, but also the teachers of schools of thought that are simply embarrassing. What human being among us is so powerful that they can dictate who can fall in love with whom? Who are we to tell people they can die for our country, but only if they pretend to be something they are not? That does not sound like America. That does not sound like liberty and justice for all. None of us shall be free until all of us are free.

Today, two people sent me articles about “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” My Mom sent me “Top Uniformed Officer Says ‘Don’t Ask’ Should Go” from the AP:

“Has this policy been ideal? No, it has not,” [Arizona Republican Senator John] McCain said. “But it has been effective.”

At what, exactly?

“[At forcing] young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens,” as Adm. Mullen said.

Ugh.

Chris sent me “Michael O’Hanlon’s ‘testosterone-laden tough guys’” by Glenn Greenwald on Salon.com. Chris recently introduced me to Greenwald, and I have to pass that recommendation on to other like-minded folks. Today Greenwald wrote:

“[In] American culture, there has long been a group of men… who equate toughness and masculinity with fighting wars, yet who also know that they lack the courage of their own convictions, and thus confine themselves to cheerleading for wars from afar and sending others off to fight but never fighting those wars themselves…”

There are many rights gays in America lack today. One of the saddest rights they lack is to serve their country without lying about who they really are. We prefer to pretend that homosexuality does not exist in our military rather than openly acknowledging a single gay person fighting and dying next to our soldiers. How can this be seen as anything other than dehumanizing?

It can’t be.

–Reid.