The only thing worse than giving bad news is giving bad news badly. Or, now that I think about it, the only only thing worse than giving bad news badly is probably receiving bad news given badly. Like if someone came up to you, all smiling and jolly and slapped you on the shoulder and said, “Hey, congratulations on someone pouring water on your mom. She was an old witch anyway, so I’m sure that was a perfect painful death for her.” But you didn’t know she had died, and also she wasn’t a witch, and you got along with her quite well. Something like that would definitely be worse, and maybe the worst.

Hmn. I don’t know. This is why I’m not a scientist.

“How To Give Bad News” was directed and edited by Ballard C. Boyd and features our good friend Elisabeth Hansen. Elisa and Matt have been a real life couple for quite a while now, and she and I graduated together from the theater program at Pace. It was neat to get her into one of our videos. The bare legs Matt drags in belong to Mr. Carlos Cabrera. You can tell from their beautiful caramel completion.

This particular video was shot the same night as “How To Juggle” was shot, but it’s been in the boiler for quite a long time. I have notes about it in my notebook dated from last summer. I think the bit with the legs needed to be figured out, and when that was figured out, it was just good timing to film two Iowa Training Films at once.

I was also not there when this was shot, so this might just be all I know about the video…

Oh! Well, as a result of this video and “How To Juggle,” Carlos and Matt and I have been talking about developing some other recurring sketches, or developing some existing sketches into a recurring format. It seems fun and also a bit easier if we have a blank week. And, let’s see… yep, that’s it. That’s all I know. If anyone who was there wants to add anything to the record, go right ahead.

It is also worth mentioning that, by some counts, whatever video comes out next week (this, upcoming next week) will be our 100th YouTube video. By some other counts, it will be our 99th video. It has to do with having to remove “Special K with Birth Control” and making the remixed “Super K with Birth Control.” I want to make a tribute to 100 videos, because, well, that’s a helluva lot of videos. The tribute won’t be our 100th video because I am not feeling up to working on it right now, but it’ll come along soon enough. I promise it will be very silly.

Enjoy your newfound power of giving bad news as a pair of naked legs, and make sure to check http://bttm.net next week for a brand new 99th or 100th video from Better Than The Machine!

Don’t let the machine get you down. Seriously, it’s an insurance nightmare.

–Reid.

I must admit to having done a rather poor job of keeping my blog up to date thus far into the new decade, especially as far as my health is concerned. Since the very first day of the year, I have been forced to deal with a wide array of health complications, brought on mainly by my leukemia, chemotherapy, and other complications. That’s right: second generation complications stemming from first generation complications. There are probably a fair deal of third generation complications I could pick out, too, if I were going to recap the first quarter of the year in a 400 page treatise. But I’m not planning to do that. Not right now, at least.

I’ve had to put some complications on the back burner while working on more serious complications. This is not something I’ve really had to do before, but unfortunately, necessity demands it of me right now. It just isn’t possible to work on getting more than one thing healed all the way if we’re constantly worrying about (and scheduling) everything at once.

The main event right now is multifaceted: I have felt far beyond the normal levels of chemotherapy-induced exhaustion and weakness since March began. I’ve also had more painful body pain than I’ve experienced in quite a while. While the pain is all over my body, it is most intense in my stomach. It doesn’t feel like pancreatitis, which is good. It’s also not pancreatitis, which is doubly good. However, since I’ve had pancreatitis a few times, that big ol’ ten at the top of the “How sick are you feeling on a scale of one to ten?” scale has been reserved for only the kind of pain I can’t explain because of my blood curdling screaming for my blankie and pacifier. At least I got one nurse to agree that the scale was exponential yesterday, so that the difference between nine and ten, for instance, is greater than the one between five and six. It made me feel better saying I felt like I was a nine. Also, I think she was probably just humoring me so she could go work on someone else.

I’ve been to a handful of doctors at different hospitals this month trying to figure out this new problem. Unfortunately, the sleep studies I was supposed to do this and next month, which were all scheduled several months ago, have had to be pushed down the list of things we can deal with at the moment. I fully agree with this decision, as the pain is getting worse every day, and the exhaustion often leaves me wondering how I’ve ever managed to complete any task that requires me to be awake for more than an hour at a time.

Yesterday was particularly bad. It was bad enough that when I first woke up, I could not get out of bed. My stomach was hurting so much that moving was impossible for an hour or two. We called the folks at one of the clinics I’m being seen at these days, who worked their magic and smushed me into their schedule. They drew blood, and then some more blood, and then they poked me and the final diagnosis was “We don’t know, but–” and their prescription was, “–go back on the stomach medicine that other doctor at that other clinic at that other hospital told you to stop taking so they you could run that test on you. I called that doctor, who said you can still do that test even on this drug they took you off of that was helping take the edge of the pain,” (wait, what?), “and also, we’re taking you off chemotherapy because you’re neutropenic, which is the state of having so few white blood cells that you cannot be in public until there are more healthy cells produced. Finally, your billirubin is high, indicated by an elevation in your liver enzymes. You guys were right: Reid does look yellow, which we didn’t agree with until we saw these numbers.”

I have more tests about this stuff next week, but that’s where we’re at right now. I will hopefully get back on track keeping this blog updated as new details emerge. Not just for Team Reid, but for myself. Once I’m all the way better, I’ll be able to look back and say, “I might be having a bad day, but at least it’s not like that.”

I should also say, for the sake of not wanting to sound like a defeatist or overly cynical: I realized very recently that I am approaching the one year-left-until-my-last-dose-of-chemo day. That’ll be on May 12. It may seem like a long way left to go to a lot of people, but when I started, I didn’t have any clue how long this whole thing would last (three and a half years, I now know), and now, thinking in terms of just having to get through one more year and being done with two and a half year, it feels like something I can do. It feels like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if I’m towing a full train of complications, disappointments, and illnesses that science was certain had been dead since the 16th century. I can get through this. I can–and I will–get through the rest of my chemotherapy regimen and come out a fully healed leukemia survivor on the other end.

–Reid.

rebeccalevin: I am proud to be an American tonight

reidlevin: @rebeccalevin I am thankful to be an American tonight!

As an American with cancer, it is very difficult to explain my jubilation with the vote tonight that reforms American health care. I am moved for so many different reasons.

All politics is personal indeed, Madam Speaker.

–Reid.

Every time I think Glenn Beck has reached the absolute, ultimate pinnacle of Mt. Crazy, he ups the ante in ways mankind will not truly be able to understand for several hundred generations. In fact, we as a species may never evolve to a point where we can fully appreciate what a lord of lunacy Beck really is. However, as evidenced below, we can certainly have fun trying.

For both a great rundown and a solid analysis of Glenn Beck’s latest and, to date, most successful attempt to fit both his feet inside his mouth at the same time, check out “Jesus was a Nazi. So’s your preacher” from Roger Ebert’s Journal. Ebert exposes what I’ve long suspected: “Beck loads up from the shelves of the Discount Screwball Supermart.” I knew that Hummer (the one with the “W” sticker on the bumper) in their parking lot looked familiar.

After you’ve read Ebert’s thoughts, take a look-see at the first half of The Daily Show from March 18, in which Jon Stewart both lampoons Beck in a segment titled “Conservative Libertarian” and also shows that in Comedy Central’s nightly hour-long political comedy block, Stephen Colbert is not the only host who can humorously parody right wing polijournetainers (crappy portmanteau ©2010 Reid Levin) by (figuratively) stepping into their skin, which they shed once a season, just like the snakes from which they descend (literally).

As far as what I have to say on the issue, I’ve only got two words: oh, Jesus.

Keep up the good work, Glenn. You’re like an infant: I may not understand you, but I can derive hours of fun and enjoyment giving it a shot. Also, you burst into tears a lot for no apparent reason. (Do you need to be burped?)

–Reid.

In an ironic twist, my mouth has been too sensitive to use Sensodyne toothpaste the past two nights. The toothpaste, marketed as the “dentist-recommended way to treat [my] sensitive teeth,” has left me with a distinct spicy-mouth-tingle, a please-please-please-make-the-fire-stop-burning-away-my-tongue sort of feeling, perhaps even a oh-why-won’t-you-just-stop-the-horrible-feeling-of-hell’s-fiery-wrath-in-my-teeth-you-sadist-bastard?! sensation, if you will. I am now at a loss: if Sensodyne, the #1 toothpaste to help sensitive teeth, is too strong for my teeth, what options does that leave me? Is dentin even the cause for sensitive teeth? What other lies have you told me, Sensodyne? My whole dental world is spinning. But why would four out of five dentists lead me astray? What possible reason could they have?

I think I taste a cover up.

I think we may be onto something big here, people. Something really big. And just a bit too sweet. Ouch.

–Reid.

Grab your green beer and join Better Than The Machine in celebrating our new-found Irish heritage that we just made up because, of course, “It’s St. Patrick’s Day!”

“It’s St. Patrick’s Day!” was directed and edited by Ballard C. Boyd.

I don’t know all that much about the creation of this particular video, and what I do know is basically from emails that got crisscrossed with mine. I don’t mean to imply that’s a bad thing; in fact, I mean exactly the opposite. That I didn’t have to manage the NYC minutiae from Denver is further indication that Christina is handling the producer job very well out there, which is quite a relief for me. Also, I’m disclaiming myself in the event that anything I say happened in a certain way didn’t really happen the way I say it did. You’ve been warned!

As a response to my asking whether anyone else realized that St. Patrick’s Day was coming up, Christina showed me some ideas for a St. Patrick’s Day sketch that she had written up, and I think the gang out in NYC had bounced some ideas around which might have been part of that typed up script. At one point, I suggested that a good angle might be satirizing how many people claim Irish heritage (jokingly or not) just to act like it’s fair game when they get totally and completely knockdown, blackout stupid drunk on St. Patrick’s Day in NYC. Whenever people act stupid, I believe it is our duty to point and laugh at them, whether through a satirical comedy sketch or, in many cases, through actual pointing and laughing.

Anyway, a bassinet with a note attached appeared on my front porch. The note read, “Finished Sketch For St. Patrick’s Day.” I know better than to look a gift bassinet in the mouth (so… many… babies…), and I really like this sketch, so I don’t know what else happened to get it made. I’m fairly certain it was filmed and cut on Sunday, which I have to give Ballard some mighty big credit for, because he’s sick and it’s always nice to have more time, so that shooting and editing on the same day can be avoided. Despite these apparent handicaps, though, it looks great and it flows really nicely from scene to scene. Ballard’s apartment continues to seem like a mansion with many distinctly different rooms on video, whereas in person, if more than two people are in the apartment, they are breaking the fire code. We’ve done a pretty good job creating sketches for holidays, which has left us with quite a backlog of non-holiday sketches that have been–and continue to be–shot. Which is really good.

Matt’s great in this sketch. I especially like the hair dryer bit in which Matt looks sort of like a dog with his head out the window of a moving car. Very funny stuff. Statistics show that people love it when Matt’s on screen, so hopefully a whole sketch with a happy, liquored up, jig-dancing Matt Gallo will attract a whole crowd of people who need their days brightened. I know watching him jigging got me through a rough day of brain chemo. I just looped the video on the jig, and can only imagine that Matt’s character happily goes about his St. Patrick’s Day from there. I haven’t actually seen the end of the video beyond the jig, because I don’t really care for that particular group’s sense of humor. I dug the jig though.

I submitted the sketch to some editors of various video sites, in the hope that with the advance notice, slight as it may be, the video might get featured somewhere. So keep your four leaf clovers close and hope for a big hullabaloo!

All right, that’s quite enough brain chemo-induced silly stupor for one evening. Aaron, Go Bra! Whatever that means.

–Reid O’Levin.

First BTTM Video To Hit Two Million Views!

I’m proud to announce that Better Than The Machine’s “Foreplay?” (the video we made in 2007, not the home game version we released for our “ages 18 and older” fans) hit two million views on YouTube sometime during the past few days. I had been watching it constantly in an attempt to be the two millionth viewer, then I was sort of half watching it so I could at least tell people on what day it hit two million views, then I got sick and just forgot about it. But that doesn’t make it any less significant, and it doesn’t mean I’m any less happy or proud!

As for the cause of the sketch’s continued success, I can think of no better analysis than that given by Carlos Cabrera, who said, “I’d like to thank people who clicked on our video in the hope that today would mysteriously be the day YouTube lets nudity and porn on their site. We owe our success to these angry, would-be masturbators.” True dat, Carlos, true dat. By which, of course, I mean there is true data to back that masturbation assertion up. For more on this momentous occasion, including the video itself and many more sexual allusions, please visit bttm.net.

How To Juggle (An Iowa Training Film)

Juggling may save your life one day. But it probably won’t.

This was the first Iowa Training Film directed, edited, and made to look like a crappy old VHS tape by Ballard. It was written by me.

Matt and I have talked about wanting Iowa Training Films to once again intentionally include over the top continuity errors, like the one found in the very first Iowa Training Film, How To Give Advice (hint: watch Matt’s hands and arms right after the “Good Advice” title). With that goal in mind, I got to work thinking up something very physical to teach. I came up with juggling and two different ways to very obviously mess with continuity. The first way was to cut to an obvious body double just for juggling and the second way was to cut to Matt with his arms behind his back and have someone standing behind him with their arms around and in front of Matt, juggling. Stunt arms!

They (those out in NYC) went with the first option and Paul played a body double juggler for the second time in a BTTM video. The first time, he stood in for me and juggled while wearing a bear costume and riding a unicycle. We got paid for that sketch… for some reason.

I’m a little sad that Iowa Training Steve (as Matt has named his character, so as to differentiate between this Steve and all his other characters named Steve) was not wearing a tie for the first time ever when we were trying to make an obvious huge continuity error which would have been furthered by him wearing a tie and Paul not wearing one. But he didn’t, and I’m only a little sad and I fully acknowledge that I am an OCD prick sometimes. I think the intended gag still works, and the second half of the video with Matt throwing juggling balls at Christina, who reaches to catch them waaaay too late, turned out exactly as I’d imagined. Very funny work all around, Iowa Training crew!

Oh, and something to look forward to for all you Iowa Training trainees out there: Matt also wrote a new Iowa Training video that was shot the same night as this one. It most likely won’t be released for a while, just to give both videos some time to breathe on their own. Matt’s video features his actual, real life girlfriend, so make sure to pay attention for it in the coming months, all you Matt Gallophiles! (Law enforcement has strongly advised us that calling you “Matt Gallo’s stalkers” only gives you undeserved validation.)

Sick Lovin’

Two lovers reveal to each other that they’ve been unfaithful in some… irregular ways.

Then they get down to some sick, sick lovin’.

As per usual, Ballard directed and edited this one. I wrote and rewrote and rewrote and rewrote the script, with constructive criticism and input along the way from BTTMers and David Reiman, who happened to be around when I was working on some long ago forgotten draft. There were many drafts. Ballard really pushed me to get this to production, and he gave me guidance on how to make the whole thing work.

At some point last year, Ballard told us that he really wanted to direct some two person conversational sketches, and asked us all to write some. I’d written many two person conversational sketches back in ’07, but based on their relative unpopularity (both inside and outside of the group, which sometimes included me), I figured I should avoid the format. It turns out, as with many things, I didn’t know what I was talking about. Two person conversational sketches are no longer to be feared!

I got down to the task of developing a couple of two person sketches without all that much physical action. For whatever reason, an early draft of this very sketch was the first thing that I came up with, and the first thing I pitched. I had intended it to be cutesy, with the different kinds of kisses. It was more like two kids put in an adult situation. However, nobody was really happy with that take on the idea because it was, admittedly, unfocused. Seven or eight drafts later, with help from Ballard and input from everyone, this thing is chock-full of lots of sick, sick Levin.

I’ve got to say, when I first turned this in, I sincerely did not picture myself in the sketch. I had no plan to be in The City when I came up with it. And then, a trip to NYC happened and we didn’t shoot it, and I continued not to picture myself in the sketch at all. I just intended it to be an easy one to knock off for two people in the group.

But alas, it just so happened that it made sense to work on it, and then film it the last time I was in town. I mention this because I must acknowledge what a real trooper Christina was in shooting this. She goes the distance for her comedy. There was another ending that escalated the entire thing even further that we shot several times. It included what I dubbed a “doggy kiss.” I think the cut as it is now is better without that, but I have to give Christina even more credit for licking my lipstick-and-petroleum-jelly-covered face when that brave comic act didn’t even end up in the sketch. Maybe it will make it onto some gag reel or something… we are approaching 100 videos on YouTube… hmm…

In the end, I’m happy with how it turned out and I’m glad Christina is still talking to me after the shoot.

–Reid.

The answer is yes, there is enough to worry about right now, Scientists. So please, if you discover anything else like the recent Chilean earthquake shortening the length of Earth’s days by way of changing Earth’s axis in space, keep it to yourselves until we’re ready to hear it. We can only really focus on one big thing at a time. We’d like to think we’re capable of balancing multiple problems at a time–we really would–but honestly, Scientists, we’re not very good at it.

Thanks,

–Reid.