Fourth Straight Day Of Waking Up And Partying! Wooo! College! Wait… no, that’s not it at all.
Sunday December 26th 2010, 11:59 pm
Filed under: Family, Friends, Health (Not Cancer), Leukemia, Who Knows?

This evening, we had a third straight night of family reunion partying, and it was my fourth night in a row of being at a party. When I say “party” here, I mean friendly people getting together, catching up, eating dinner and just sitting and enjoying each other’s company. Which I like.

Tonight’s party was a birthday party. We hosted my mom’s whole family (give or take) for my grandmother’s day-after-Christmas-birthday. There was birthday cake. It was carrot. It was good.

I slept all day. I’ve been doing that a lot recently. I’ve also had this body pain thing on top of my normal chemo pain for what feels like weeks (I haven’t the faintest clue of how long it’s actually been… stupid chemobrain timeline). Maybe the two are connected somehow. I wake up feeling bad and–pffft. That reads really dumb. Stop the presses! Have I got a scoop for you, Chief! Oh, the revelations! Amazing insights! Chemo makes people feel bad! Good grief. What I mean is that I feel sick and disoriented.

This evening, my mom woke me up at about six o’clock and told me people would be arriving soon. It was dark outside and I asked, groggily, why people were coming over so early. I thought it was six o’clock in the morning. These stupid short days in which the Sun rises at quarter to noon and is completely gone by quarter past noon, where dawn and dusk now overlap and nocturnal animals are only getting a few minutes of sleep, my brain feels like it’s spinning around in my head. I feel super disoriented. Super.

I don’t know what I need. I was going to say private awake time or at least a very small group of regulars when I wake up, but I don’t really know. I don’t mind these dinners at all. They’ve been with my family and friends, and I like everybody, I like being around them and I like talking to them. I like catching up with my cousins. I like talking to my aunts and uncle and my grandpa. I like admiring everything my three year old cousin does. Even still, I feel upside inside out disoriented.

Maybe I’m just anxious about chemo. I can’t wait to be off chemo, but at the same time, in a weird way I’m scared of the freedom I’ll have when I’m of it. Maybe chemo’s making my days and my health wildly erratic (maybe it’s not), but I want to stay on it until the end of the course in May. I know that I feel super disoriented and that I don’t like it. But I may just have to be disoriented.

I guess I just want to be oriented. Whatever that is. Whatever that should be now, four and a half months from the end of chemo. I think I’ll sleep on it.

That’s kind of my thing now.


No Comments so far
Leave a comment

Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>