Not Yet Entirely Crazy, Yet Edging Ever Closer.
Sunday March 09th 2014, 10:05 am
Filed under: Health (Not Cancer)

Despite making some new agreeable plans yesterday about moving forward in a way that would hopefully make my life more livable, today I experienced two of the worst hallucinations I’ve ever had.

This has been going on since late June/early July. That’s eight months. 3/4 of a year. I wrote in this blog that 2013 was “the least productive year of my life.” That needs to be modified to read “2013 was the least productive calendar year of my life.” All things considered, if the calendar started in July, this realigned pseudo-year is even less productive than 2013. I’m tired of not being able to do what I want to do from the smallest of things to things that actually matter. Like reclaiming any scraps of the life cancer stole from me. I’m tired of all these goddam mountains that keep popping up out of nowhere, blocking my path to recovery. No more mountains, no more climbing, no more recovery. I want it all gone.

I’ve written a blog entry about the Mayo Clinic and Minnesota that I can’t seem to finish because it keeps bumming me out even more than I’m already bummed out. “Bummed out” is my just my easy way of writing “massively depressed” because it doesn’t depress me as much to type out. My plan was to finish that entry and finally get it posted this weekend. Jokes and funny pictures and all the juicy details. Now, because of several bad rounds of sleep and the hallucinations today, I’m even more exhausted than normal, and I don’t want to get near my bed or even think about hallucinations.

On top of that, I’m sick. Although, being sick’s way easier to deal with; I’ve been dealing with being sick forever. That’s my life, and I guess can deal with a life of daisy-chained-illnesses if I have to. Should I have to? Is it fair? Probably not. Is anything fair? What a weird concept we hang onto until we’re told it doesn’t apply to anything in real life.

I think I can deal with being sick more in my life than most other people have to, if that’s how it has to be. I don’t want to, not at all, but I think I can do it if that’s what my life it going to be. But the hallucinations are something else altogether. I can’t write about ’em, I can’t think about ’em, and I genuinely worry they’re slowly driving me crazy. I need them gone for good.

I wrote this the other night but kept it to myself. But if you know of anyone that’s interested, let me know:

Great news, friend(s)! I’ve officially decided that my life is far too complicated for me and I’m giving it up. This might just be your lucky day! Where one person finds too much complication, you might find just the right amount! If you’re the kind of person that’s always looking to solve more complex life problems than you can find in your own life, well this is just the life for you! Please only apply to life swap with me if your life makes complete and total sense and has absolutely no outstanding quirks, oddities, or unanswered questions. Nothing weird in your past I’m going to find out about in twenty years, either. That’s totally uncool. At this point, I’m looking for a life in the range of Uneventful- to Boring+.

I’m depressed and really don’t want to post a blog with this tone. But it’s how I’m feeling right now.

At least I added a previously-written-joke. That’s somethin’.


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

How would you feel about having had chinese Malaysian martial arts nannies? Plus you would have already has a free preview of my life when we lived together. I definitely can’t practice Boredom, though, if you apply now you get a free cat.

Comment by Aaron Levene 03.09.14 @ 10:19 am

That should have read promise boredom not practice. It was a freudian typo as I wrote it from a Shambhala Meditation Retreat where I was supposed to be practising…

Anyway dude. Sorry your life is tough. I feel for you man (not that does you any good). I’m going to try and come visit in the summer. I seem to have become a stand up comedian thanks in part to you, you always told me to stop writing sketches (when I was in BTTM) and just stand on stage and ramble. So that’s what I’m doing. Seems to be working. I’ll email you a gig. Might cheer you up.

Comment by Aaron 03.09.14 @ 4:05 pm

I’ll switch ya if you want to try being a Republican, though it is actually less “Alex P Keaton boring” than it sounds. To be frank, you may just want to take the hallucinations over the Republicanism. Hugs to you. You’re in my thoughts. OK

Comment by Kelly Maher 03.10.14 @ 10:43 am

Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>