Stupid OCD is dumb and I hate it and it’s dumb.
Monday January 17th 2011, 4:38 am
Filed under: Me, Myself, and Reid, Who Knows?

The blog entry-turned-doctoral thesis I’ve been trying to write for the past four and a half hours about friends, sheet music, a stupid bug, the Richter scale, long term plans, and an amazing mathematical/scientific/spiritual cosmic convergence in a cul de sac near my house has been abandoned until further notice, which will be, at earliest, a decent hour later today, Monday. Maybe not today, maybe another day. Maybe not, I’m so f’nfrustrated.

I keep writing and writing and rewriting. Trying to carve out the perfect way to say everything I need to say with my fingers. In my mind, me and my OCD are in perfect sync. We can see the fully formed concepts, we can feel the letters–they’re sleek, they’re smooth, jet black and they’re heavy, they don’t move but we can wrap ourselves in the words they form and this makes perfect sense in my brain to me and OCD. But outside my head, writing, OCD and I don’t get along at all. EVERYTHING IS A BATTLE. These are not decisions or choices I’m making. I have to write everything as an interpretation of a concept that can’t be put into words over and over and over until I overpower my OCD and stop looking for flaws in an impossible task that could otherwise last an eternity!! ARGH!!! Even writing THIS has taken over an hour. AND NOW I’M EDITING THE WORDING AFTER IT’S POSTED. ENOUGH, NO MORE, DONE.

I should not be up at 4:45 am writing about how I couldn’t get a blog post finished by 3:30 am.

I’m so frustrated skdjfhpsw38cw3 a ;;lin
I need to go to sleep, I got stuff to do tomorrow, places to be, and I’m still at the mercy of this stupid bug.

I try to do my best, but ultimately I’m at the mercy of myself.


Now playing: Guster – Demons
via FoxyTunes

2 Comments so far
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Hmmm…. I wonder if there’s some ridiculous exercise you could do that could eventually wear down and break some of you OCD concerns?
Unfortunately, I have no idea what that would be, but I will attempt to explain why it jumped in my head.
Ya see, when I am getting writer’s block (which is nearly anytime I try to write), people tend to suggest just writing, whatever, just write.
Now, sometimes I do this, and eventually it does tend to fall into something representing an idea, or a drive, or an inspiration. Maybe for what I was trying to work on, maybe something else or new altogether, but still something. And even if I then go off writing something new, this state of mind can sometimes (not always) make it easier for me to go back and add to, or work on the original thing, with less hopelessness.

There are also times when I just sit there for absurd amounts of time trying to figure the perfect way to spell out one single line, or two or three words. And sometimes I get to thinking, I better make myself write something else, just to force my braining to keep moving and stop worrying about that which has unfairly (but also unrealistically) seemed to become Impossible.

Sooo- What I wonder is:
Is there an adaption of this practice (& theory), which I shall call “fighting unformed impossibility with formed absurdity”, that could be made to help you out, when the OCD monster storms the castle?

Who knows? But what could it really hurt to try?

…well, maybe it’d just drive you crazy, and feel even worse, but I would hope not. Becaue part of the trying would involve doing whatever it takes to find something that you can keep punching into the computer without minding at all what it is.
For instance, no matter how stupid it seems (and is), next time you’re getting caught up, just stop, recite 2 lines from any Monty Python you remember, wiggle your pinky fingers, and then just start typing colors and numbers.
[blue, yellow, 5, 7, 4, 3, orange, monkey, yellow # 5]… See that? Monkey isn’t a color, and the thought of “Yellow #5″ hadn’t occurred to me until I happen to notice I just typed it– and that was withing a few seconds of trying the absurdity I just made up right now as I went along.
Does that help me? Maybe, maybe not, but it made me think differently for a second, without having to really worry about thinking in the first place.

Anyway, just a thought. A long, convoluted thought.
Maybe give it a try sometime?

The Distraction Attraction: Fighting Unformed Impossibility, with Formed Absurdity
(Cop E. Wright 2011, Matt Gallo)

Comment by Matt Gallo 01.17.11 @ 6:47 pm

Honestly, Matt, there are some times when I can sit and do what you described and demonstrated in your monkey yellow #5 example. But those times have become few and far between since I started chemo. I really need to be able to say, “What is the consequence of this thing not being the way I feel this thing should be?” It’s exactly what you’re describing. I should write elfwing Gurt mobiletoad and be able to say, “That’s fine, it is what it is. It is elfwing Gurt mobiletoad.” That’s very hard for me right now, but I think I’ll be able to fight it off a lot better once I’m done with chemo and I get my independence back. Checkout the next entry I wrote for some explanation that I hope makes sense to anyone other than me.

I really, really appreciate all the thought you’ve given this and your suggestions. It means a lot to me. Thanks Matt.


Cop… Edgar Wright?

Comment by Reid 01.18.11 @ 3:22 am

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